Gary Hart


“Too much monkey business” good ol’ Keith Relf sang, and you can almost picture a young Gary Hart back in 1964, snapping his fingers along to the off beat as one of his law school buddy’s copy of Five Live Yardbirds spun round at a party in some New Haven apartment, a Tom Collins in the other hand and his eyes roaming over every female in the place. With Presidential dreams already metastasizing under that thickly-carpeted scalp.

And by God, only 25 years later, it was all within reach–he had slithered and climbed his way into contention for residence in the biggest and whitest house in the land. Sure, there were some ugly rumors of infidelity floating about, but Gary, like all megalomaniacs with a lust for “high office,” considered himself beyond reproach, so he arrogantly issued a challenge to his adversaries in the press. Now, politicians have always been scumbags, even before Caligula donkey-punched his first 13 year-old concubine, but for centuries there had existed a gentleman’s agreement of sorts between these fellows and the fourth estate. Only the most egregious indiscretions were reported. But Gary ruined it for everyone–the leashes snapped and a little bit of arse-on-lap canoodling on the good yacht Monkey Business put an end to his venal ambitions.

He thankfully disappeared pretty quickly, apparently having learned his lesson, but so many others sure haven’t, from the practitioners of “wide stances” in airport restrooms to that one mentally-diseased creep who ran for New York City mayor (I refuse to type his name, although I always thought his foul-mouthed Communications Director was pretty hot and I encourage her to contact me through this blog if interested) society as a whole is still plagued by irredeemable figures determined to “represent us.”

Would Gary Hart have made a good President? I don’t think such a thing exists, and besides, who cares? Political scandals have a short shelf life (Teapot Dome, anyone?) and the handful of people who even remember this guy most certainly regard him as just another faceless, well-groomed fool.

As for the failed model/actress who ensnared him? A quick check of “Donna Rice” on the search engines reveals that she is currently the CEO of some sort of anti-pornography foundation. So, sadly, it seems she has become just like a politician herself, trying to ruin the world for everyone.

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