Motorola DynaTAC 8000x Cell Phone


The Brick. You would have had to have bricks in your head not to desire one of these in the latter part of the decade. With one of these in your grip, you could do anything. There was a kid I knew in college who had been bestowed with one by his rich parents and he got laid every night by a different girl. Because of the phone. He’d set it on his desk in class and when it would ring the teacher wouldn’t even yell at him but patiently put the lecture on hold until he was done. (Most of the calls were related to making plans for getting laid.) Restaurateurs would give him a window seat and a free meal, just so potential customers could see that his place of business attracted the most well-heeled clientele in town. Policeman stuffed already-written drunk and disorderly citations into their back pockets, choosing instead to drive this kid home in their squad car with just a verbal warning–all for the trade-off of allowing the officers to call their wives with the phone and ask “Guess where I’m calling you from?”

The age of mobile communication had arrived. It would evolve slowly at first, then ferociously snowball into the 24/7 “wired in” society we live in today. Some would say this clumsy device was the first step towards things “all going wrong.” I mean, sure we can email our boss that all important PowerPoint presentation from the top of a mountain we’ve just climbed and yes, girls and guys can both send racy pictures of their body parts to close friends to help break up said friend’s otherwise moribund day. But it’s not all good. No, not at all. I’ve seen raw footage of kids as young as five years of age literally tear a family Christmas tree apart when they realize they haven’t received the iPhone they had asked for. I’ve sat next to mental midgets watching UFC fights in a wooden pew during Midnight Mass. I’ve watched helplessly as a person was mowed down by a car while they were texting while crossing the street. And, oh my God and all His angels, have you ever heard about what a fella can get up to using an app they call Grindr???

Watching Gordon Gekko wielding his DynaTAC 8000x as a blunt instrument to break apart some regional airline company seems almost quaint now…

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